Blogging in the dark

Dirty here...barely.

What is it about staying in on a Friday and Saturday night that will make a single woman feel like time is standing still? I swear it's been 10:00 pm for the last four hours. I've been sitting here...waiting....not so patiently for sleep to come over me...but it is showing no signs of arrival. Unfortunately neither is my period.

Of all the things in this world that could possibly go wrong at this point in my life, that would have to be the one. Prego. Preggers. Knocked up. Call it what you want...I call it game over. Not because I dont like kids. I love kids. And I probably want some of my own one day. But definitely not right now. And definitely not with my ex. For fucks sake...

Speaking of ex's, the other night I was sleeping next to one of mine (we can call him ex) and there was this loud noise outside that woke me up. In my startled yet half asleep stooper I grabbed ex's arm and called him Sugar Lips. Totally smooth right? I quickly realized my mistake - thank god he didn't hear me.

Why did I think he was sugar lips? Why am I thinking about him, even in my sleep? I don't like it. And I think I'm okay with that. I mean...really...as much as I would like to convince myself that I'm the exception to every rule, I am not. Reminders of that are good.

On a separate yet related note, getting dissed by someone hurts a lot less if you're filling your life up with other sh*t that gets you excited - which you should be doing anyway. It's important to recognize that we make our own beds (well...unless you're 5 in which case your mom is probably still making your bed...and in which case you shouldn't be reading this) and I don't particularly like lying in the bed I've made for myself right now. I'm trying to accept that and be at peace with it, and in a way I am. After all, maybe I'm not supposed to feel great right now. Maybe this is not the year that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best. Maybe thats fine. I feel re-focused. I will have to change and process and make some sacrifices. But its all for a reason. And this particular reason is that I have a dream, and that dream involves liking my bed. Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well fucking a' Einstein, aren't you smart. Guess its time for me to flip a couple switches if you know what I mean...

I'd like to think that in one year from now I will be reaping the benefits of what we have talked about today. I need to keep this train on its tracks until then. I will need this blog more than ever. Because if I can succeed, that would be so awesome.

Thats all for now. Chonies...where are you? I miss you!

-Dirty