I was talking to my mom about my cold yesterday and I told her I was tired of it, there's all this shit that needs to clear out... We laughed so hard, because she said kinda like everything in your life right?
When I look back and think about everything that is going on in my head in the last few months, it's like a tornado over my head, everything that I tried so hard to control and not think about, or just said I would deal with later, it has all come to a huge fucking tornado over my head.
In a tornado everything gets swept up and mixed all together, there is no order, there is no peace. It's spinning and you don't know when it's going to stop. And when it finally stops, everything is destroyed, there is no resemblance of what once was, just what is broken or destroyed now needs repair or to be replaced.
How sad. I don't know when this shit will clear out of my head and when it does how long it will take to repair or replace...I don't know what condition my life will be in, once this happens, if this happens.
I'm trying to deal with one thing at a time, but that's too hard to do when this shit is all swirling around in my head. I think I need a therapist again
who knows what I need. I certainly do not.
who does?
OUT- Chones
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Hi Mom, I am in Sicily....
I talked to Trenton today, he was in Sicily, wow!
It was so good to hear his voice, he sounded happy and most of all safe!
I miss him, it has only been a week, and there are still 2 weeks until I can see him and hold him in my arms! WOW, what am I gonna do with myself.
It's bizarre that a) the kids are so far away from me, b) I haven't even been able to talk to Alyssa, not that it is so different anymore, c) that I am not with them
I guess that this is how life will be in about 10 years when they are both gone on their own. 10 yrs seems like a long time away, let's hope it doesn't fly by like the last 10 have.
I am looking forward to seeing them both grow and achieve and travel to places that even I haven't been, I guess that is part of being a mother. When the kids are young you are so stuck in what seems to be, "life" as you know it....but life doesn't really start until the kids go out on their own and show you that what you have sacrificed and taught them, is all for some greater purpose...that is what being a mom or a parent is really about.
I find it hard to believe I am missing out on the current life of one of my kids, but I also, for some reason, know, that I will be there for her when it's most important to her. I just don't know when that will be. For now I have to trust that the relationship that was built over 12 yrs still has some sort of strength to break through and bring her back to me.
I miss the kids, but I know that they are safe and happy and that is all that really matters.
Chones-out.
It was so good to hear his voice, he sounded happy and most of all safe!
I miss him, it has only been a week, and there are still 2 weeks until I can see him and hold him in my arms! WOW, what am I gonna do with myself.
It's bizarre that a) the kids are so far away from me, b) I haven't even been able to talk to Alyssa, not that it is so different anymore, c) that I am not with them
I guess that this is how life will be in about 10 years when they are both gone on their own. 10 yrs seems like a long time away, let's hope it doesn't fly by like the last 10 have.
I am looking forward to seeing them both grow and achieve and travel to places that even I haven't been, I guess that is part of being a mother. When the kids are young you are so stuck in what seems to be, "life" as you know it....but life doesn't really start until the kids go out on their own and show you that what you have sacrificed and taught them, is all for some greater purpose...that is what being a mom or a parent is really about.
I find it hard to believe I am missing out on the current life of one of my kids, but I also, for some reason, know, that I will be there for her when it's most important to her. I just don't know when that will be. For now I have to trust that the relationship that was built over 12 yrs still has some sort of strength to break through and bring her back to me.
I miss the kids, but I know that they are safe and happy and that is all that really matters.
Chones-out.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Graduation Day...
You told me to be there at 5, I was there (you were not)
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special.
I love you
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special.
I love you
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Visualization....
I learned this new technique (new to me at least)last night..I went to an IAAP meeting (international association of something) cant remember right now, any who, it was a meeting for Executive administrators, so basically a room of middle aged women and 1 man, there for the San Jose Chapter meeting....
I was invited to join the meeting, because I was thinking about joining this group. Work will pay for it and it seems to be a great way to network. It might be.
I still need to figure out how this can help me...I will get back to you on that.
SO... Visualization, there was this guest speaker and she was talking about journaling and goals and all that, which was great, I often journal or blog, but I had never experienced this visualization technique. She asked the room to A) write down a goal that we had just met, sometime in the future, and write as if we were in that moment now, how we felt, what we were doing in that moment. Once we did that she B) had us close our eyes and imagine us in that moment, what did we look like? how did we feel? where were we? C) we then had to imagine ourselves on the outside looking in at ourselves, and take a picture D) this gets good, we had to imagine floating above us in that moment and seeing the path ahead and our future ahead of that.....after about a few minutes she brought us back "into the room" as she put it. Now I have a great imagination, but this was something I just never experienced, I think I was focused enough to actually do this exercise and get something out of it, but I am not sure. I always freakin' doubt myself.
When I got home I thought about the goal I had written down, I think it was Jan 2 2013 in my goal...and I wondered to myself, is that really what I want to be doing (hint: my goal was about a career path) or is it what I think others think I should be doing.
I have come to the conclusion: I don't really know exactly what I want to do.... I don't have a fucking plan.......and when someone asks me what are your future plans.... I don't fucking have an answer. I have some ideas and dreams...I guess I should start there and write these things down along with some achievable short term goals or I am going no where in a hurry!
I need a drink!
Later-Chon's
I was invited to join the meeting, because I was thinking about joining this group. Work will pay for it and it seems to be a great way to network. It might be.
I still need to figure out how this can help me...I will get back to you on that.
SO... Visualization, there was this guest speaker and she was talking about journaling and goals and all that, which was great, I often journal or blog, but I had never experienced this visualization technique. She asked the room to A) write down a goal that we had just met, sometime in the future, and write as if we were in that moment now, how we felt, what we were doing in that moment. Once we did that she B) had us close our eyes and imagine us in that moment, what did we look like? how did we feel? where were we? C) we then had to imagine ourselves on the outside looking in at ourselves, and take a picture D) this gets good, we had to imagine floating above us in that moment and seeing the path ahead and our future ahead of that.....after about a few minutes she brought us back "into the room" as she put it. Now I have a great imagination, but this was something I just never experienced, I think I was focused enough to actually do this exercise and get something out of it, but I am not sure. I always freakin' doubt myself.
When I got home I thought about the goal I had written down, I think it was Jan 2 2013 in my goal...and I wondered to myself, is that really what I want to be doing (hint: my goal was about a career path) or is it what I think others think I should be doing.
I have come to the conclusion: I don't really know exactly what I want to do.... I don't have a fucking plan.......and when someone asks me what are your future plans.... I don't fucking have an answer. I have some ideas and dreams...I guess I should start there and write these things down along with some achievable short term goals or I am going no where in a hurry!
I need a drink!
Later-Chon's
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Scoundrels and Hoodlums
Hey Ya'll
Since our last blog, we found that Dirty was in fact, NOT KNOCKED UP, Thank Jesus for that one!!!! :)
It's been a while since my last entry and I have every reason to believe it's due to Scoundrels and Hoodlums (S&H's) in my life.
I've discovered that lately, like the last year or so, I have not been really "living" just kind of surviving in this cruel world. Second by second,minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... and along the way these S&H's have diverted me in so many ways. Call them what you will, whether they are distractions, evil people who want to see me unhappy, messy relationships... they have sucked the joy out of my life. In general, if you asked anyone that knew me, I am a pretty optimistic and happy person. Some would call me too nice and annoyingly happy :) Lately I find that S&H's have taken over. Even worse, I have let them.
I have done things to try and change this. For starters, I recognized it, before things went too far downhill. That's half the battle right?
Second, I have tried to take some "Me" time each morning to read and study my bible and read and write down scriptures that are positive and help me to remember to embrace the simple things and be grateful for the things I have and the people in my life. Embrace nature and the things on this earth that are otherwise taken for granted, like the birds chirping and the trees blowing in the wind. It helps to calm me. Don't get me wrong, by noon I am a raging mess of a person and all those calm feelings have passed. But remembering those times and trying to learn to constantly connect with that time really helps.
I am in my second bible study at church, I have learned I am not a perfect person, and not the best christian woman in the world...will never be, I mean I already knew that but sometimes we think our shit don't stink... Somehow the fellowship with other women, helps me to remember that we all, at one point or another feel the same way about ourselves. I am really trying and really believe, that fully devoting this time and having a relationship with God will improve my quality of life.
I have discovered that I am bored with my job, I am not really challenged. Reasons why I stay: I make money, it's a very flexible job and it's comfortable for me. If I go try to get a new job A) I will make more money, which means B) I will have to pay "Sperm Donor" MORE child support for our eldest. OH HELL NO!
C) I will have to work more and have less flexibility.
D) I will have to make all new co-workers, and I am not in the mood to be nice to new people right now....
So THAT'S not an option, unless of course they fire my butt because they too see that I am a wasteoid at work most days.... let's think positive!
I have also discovered that I want to do something more creative in life, I feel like I am meant to do something more with my life. In what capacity? I don't know yet. My creative juices need stoking!
So this leaves me with the idea that I keep my current job and suck it up, and start doing something outside of work that is creative and that could lead to another potential career, will that make me happy? I need to really think about this, I need to regroup and sit back, chill out and be open to what that calling is. Being open to things and honest with yourself about what capacity you have is a really hard thing to do... I am not sure how to even start..... any suggestions?
When I hear about my friends younger and older going through "shit" in their lives and how S&H are effing with them,just as they are me, I wonder...do things really ever change? I remember being younger and just thinking, "I will get through this" and now, years later I am still saying "I will get through this" I've come to the conclusion (I am no Einstein, I know) that's what life is all about right? Encountering things and getting through them, some great things, some not so great...but there is no one point in time that ever lasts more that that fleeting moment...time will not stand still. So I shall make the most of each day...and remember to embrace these days regardless of the S&H's that get in my way and try to bring me down. I have decided to drop kick those Scoundrels and Hoodlums straight in the throat!
For now...I think I am on the right track....but staying on the tracks without completely derailing is freakin' hard!
xoxo
Chon's
Since our last blog, we found that Dirty was in fact, NOT KNOCKED UP, Thank Jesus for that one!!!! :)
It's been a while since my last entry and I have every reason to believe it's due to Scoundrels and Hoodlums (S&H's) in my life.
I've discovered that lately, like the last year or so, I have not been really "living" just kind of surviving in this cruel world. Second by second,minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... and along the way these S&H's have diverted me in so many ways. Call them what you will, whether they are distractions, evil people who want to see me unhappy, messy relationships... they have sucked the joy out of my life. In general, if you asked anyone that knew me, I am a pretty optimistic and happy person. Some would call me too nice and annoyingly happy :) Lately I find that S&H's have taken over. Even worse, I have let them.
I have done things to try and change this. For starters, I recognized it, before things went too far downhill. That's half the battle right?
Second, I have tried to take some "Me" time each morning to read and study my bible and read and write down scriptures that are positive and help me to remember to embrace the simple things and be grateful for the things I have and the people in my life. Embrace nature and the things on this earth that are otherwise taken for granted, like the birds chirping and the trees blowing in the wind. It helps to calm me. Don't get me wrong, by noon I am a raging mess of a person and all those calm feelings have passed. But remembering those times and trying to learn to constantly connect with that time really helps.
I am in my second bible study at church, I have learned I am not a perfect person, and not the best christian woman in the world...will never be, I mean I already knew that but sometimes we think our shit don't stink... Somehow the fellowship with other women, helps me to remember that we all, at one point or another feel the same way about ourselves. I am really trying and really believe, that fully devoting this time and having a relationship with God will improve my quality of life.
I have discovered that I am bored with my job, I am not really challenged. Reasons why I stay: I make money, it's a very flexible job and it's comfortable for me. If I go try to get a new job A) I will make more money, which means B) I will have to pay "Sperm Donor" MORE child support for our eldest. OH HELL NO!
C) I will have to work more and have less flexibility.
D) I will have to make all new co-workers, and I am not in the mood to be nice to new people right now....
So THAT'S not an option, unless of course they fire my butt because they too see that I am a wasteoid at work most days.... let's think positive!
I have also discovered that I want to do something more creative in life, I feel like I am meant to do something more with my life. In what capacity? I don't know yet. My creative juices need stoking!
So this leaves me with the idea that I keep my current job and suck it up, and start doing something outside of work that is creative and that could lead to another potential career, will that make me happy? I need to really think about this, I need to regroup and sit back, chill out and be open to what that calling is. Being open to things and honest with yourself about what capacity you have is a really hard thing to do... I am not sure how to even start..... any suggestions?
When I hear about my friends younger and older going through "shit" in their lives and how S&H are effing with them,just as they are me, I wonder...do things really ever change? I remember being younger and just thinking, "I will get through this" and now, years later I am still saying "I will get through this" I've come to the conclusion (I am no Einstein, I know) that's what life is all about right? Encountering things and getting through them, some great things, some not so great...but there is no one point in time that ever lasts more that that fleeting moment...time will not stand still. So I shall make the most of each day...and remember to embrace these days regardless of the S&H's that get in my way and try to bring me down. I have decided to drop kick those Scoundrels and Hoodlums straight in the throat!
For now...I think I am on the right track....but staying on the tracks without completely derailing is freakin' hard!
xoxo
Chon's
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Blogging in the dark
Dirty here...barely.
What is it about staying in on a Friday and Saturday night that will make a single woman feel like time is standing still? I swear it's been 10:00 pm for the last four hours. I've been sitting here...waiting....not so patiently for sleep to come over me...but it is showing no signs of arrival. Unfortunately neither is my period.
Of all the things in this world that could possibly go wrong at this point in my life, that would have to be the one. Prego. Preggers. Knocked up. Call it what you want...I call it game over. Not because I dont like kids. I love kids. And I probably want some of my own one day. But definitely not right now. And definitely not with my ex. For fucks sake...
Speaking of ex's, the other night I was sleeping next to one of mine (we can call him ex) and there was this loud noise outside that woke me up. In my startled yet half asleep stooper I grabbed ex's arm and called him Sugar Lips. Totally smooth right? I quickly realized my mistake - thank god he didn't hear me.
Why did I think he was sugar lips? Why am I thinking about him, even in my sleep? I don't like it. And I think I'm okay with that. I mean...really...as much as I would like to convince myself that I'm the exception to every rule, I am not. Reminders of that are good.
On a separate yet related note, getting dissed by someone hurts a lot less if you're filling your life up with other sh*t that gets you excited - which you should be doing anyway. It's important to recognize that we make our own beds (well...unless you're 5 in which case your mom is probably still making your bed...and in which case you shouldn't be reading this) and I don't particularly like lying in the bed I've made for myself right now. I'm trying to accept that and be at peace with it, and in a way I am. After all, maybe I'm not supposed to feel great right now. Maybe this is not the year that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best. Maybe thats fine. I feel re-focused. I will have to change and process and make some sacrifices. But its all for a reason. And this particular reason is that I have a dream, and that dream involves liking my bed. Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well fucking a' Einstein, aren't you smart. Guess its time for me to flip a couple switches if you know what I mean...
I'd like to think that in one year from now I will be reaping the benefits of what we have talked about today. I need to keep this train on its tracks until then. I will need this blog more than ever. Because if I can succeed, that would be so awesome.
Thats all for now. Chonies...where are you? I miss you!
-Dirty
What is it about staying in on a Friday and Saturday night that will make a single woman feel like time is standing still? I swear it's been 10:00 pm for the last four hours. I've been sitting here...waiting....not so patiently for sleep to come over me...but it is showing no signs of arrival. Unfortunately neither is my period.
Of all the things in this world that could possibly go wrong at this point in my life, that would have to be the one. Prego. Preggers. Knocked up. Call it what you want...I call it game over. Not because I dont like kids. I love kids. And I probably want some of my own one day. But definitely not right now. And definitely not with my ex. For fucks sake...
Speaking of ex's, the other night I was sleeping next to one of mine (we can call him ex) and there was this loud noise outside that woke me up. In my startled yet half asleep stooper I grabbed ex's arm and called him Sugar Lips. Totally smooth right? I quickly realized my mistake - thank god he didn't hear me.
Why did I think he was sugar lips? Why am I thinking about him, even in my sleep? I don't like it. And I think I'm okay with that. I mean...really...as much as I would like to convince myself that I'm the exception to every rule, I am not. Reminders of that are good.
On a separate yet related note, getting dissed by someone hurts a lot less if you're filling your life up with other sh*t that gets you excited - which you should be doing anyway. It's important to recognize that we make our own beds (well...unless you're 5 in which case your mom is probably still making your bed...and in which case you shouldn't be reading this) and I don't particularly like lying in the bed I've made for myself right now. I'm trying to accept that and be at peace with it, and in a way I am. After all, maybe I'm not supposed to feel great right now. Maybe this is not the year that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best. Maybe thats fine. I feel re-focused. I will have to change and process and make some sacrifices. But its all for a reason. And this particular reason is that I have a dream, and that dream involves liking my bed. Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well fucking a' Einstein, aren't you smart. Guess its time for me to flip a couple switches if you know what I mean...
I'd like to think that in one year from now I will be reaping the benefits of what we have talked about today. I need to keep this train on its tracks until then. I will need this blog more than ever. Because if I can succeed, that would be so awesome.
Thats all for now. Chonies...where are you? I miss you!
-Dirty
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Alien Leaders and shit like that....
Dirty
I am so proud of your blog today, you were honest and humbled.
I am happy your sister Ang is so wise, she may be even wiser than yours truly.
so is Auntie.
As far as the Alien leader goes, I am happy if you are happy and it would be my advise to follow your heart in this case. Although, I have only hung out with you two briefly on the very first night you met...I could see something there.
In fact I told you guys you were getting married...... in the future...
Alien leaders have charm and I am not one to judge, I have no idea what it's like to be famous and have millions but we all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. His only mistake here was not putting on a shirt...although I am sure keeping his shirt off was rather HOT!
Your only mistake in this was that A) you were part alien at the time & 2)you let your emotions control your actions. EVERYONE does this, so when you are alien and do this it is quite dramatic...Aliens are never emotionally stable you know this.
I hope things work out for the best, follow the Alien you might learn how he has become the master of his alien nation.
PS
Let me know when you find out!
Following the alien leader
Dirty here....
Chonies your last post raised some good points about word combining. The words I would like to combine today are shit and fuck....shuck, of course.
Over the last three days I have hurt and I have battled. I was wounded by Sugar Lips and the scratch marks i found down his back Sunday night (scratch marks that weren't mine). I know what you're thinking - f*ing @sshole?!?! right? I thought that too. In fact, I'm pretty sure I said something to that effect directly to him. And then I proceeded with the how could you's and my heart hurt's and blah blah blah's...you get the picture. For the last couple of days I have been depressed and hating Sugar Lips. But I talked to ALew last night and she had a different take on the whole situation....
Alew told me that I need to get over myself. At first I was in shock. But after hearing her explain, i'm starting to realize she could be right. She feels like Sugar Lips is a pro athlete, and not only that but he is a superstar pro athlete. His life is different and weird and crazy and she says that I show no understanding for that. He can have pretty much whatever he wants. And he said he wanted me. And I told him no. And so he kept doing whatever he wanted. And I got my feelings hurt. And then reacted by feeling sorry for myself and expecting him to feel sorry for me. That is retarded. She is right.
Then I had a talk with Auntie Zish. Auntie Zish said that sometimes you need to step back, look a little into the future, and re-assess what you want in life and what is important and what is not. Auntie Zish also said that we need to take risks and see what happens so we never look back and wonder what could have happened with regret. I fucked that up too.
So i am going to give it a rest. I feel stupid for being so dramatic.
I feel like chonies would never have made the plethora of mistakes that I made. She is too wise for that. And she warned me in a gentle way a couple of times to stop. But i lost control.
So now I've decided to stop making plethoras of mistakes and instead focus on my wonderful friends and my family and everything that is good about my life. I'm pledging to keep embracing the positive and stop focusing on the negative. And if Sugar Lips comes around and we can talk it out, all the better. If not, lesson learned. Another one. And I'll be better for it either way. Oh, and Chonies, don't think that it hasn't occurred to me that this new forgiveness for Sugar Lips and this realization that I am partly to blame means that somehow I am still under control of the alien leader, and that this shit is out of control.....and if that is the case, then shuck!! It may be a bad idea, but for some reason it feels right. Maybe it is my alien heart, but I want to follow the alien leader.
Dirty-out!
Chonies your last post raised some good points about word combining. The words I would like to combine today are shit and fuck....shuck, of course.
Over the last three days I have hurt and I have battled. I was wounded by Sugar Lips and the scratch marks i found down his back Sunday night (scratch marks that weren't mine). I know what you're thinking - f*ing @sshole?!?! right? I thought that too. In fact, I'm pretty sure I said something to that effect directly to him. And then I proceeded with the how could you's and my heart hurt's and blah blah blah's...you get the picture. For the last couple of days I have been depressed and hating Sugar Lips. But I talked to ALew last night and she had a different take on the whole situation....
Alew told me that I need to get over myself. At first I was in shock. But after hearing her explain, i'm starting to realize she could be right. She feels like Sugar Lips is a pro athlete, and not only that but he is a superstar pro athlete. His life is different and weird and crazy and she says that I show no understanding for that. He can have pretty much whatever he wants. And he said he wanted me. And I told him no. And so he kept doing whatever he wanted. And I got my feelings hurt. And then reacted by feeling sorry for myself and expecting him to feel sorry for me. That is retarded. She is right.
Then I had a talk with Auntie Zish. Auntie Zish said that sometimes you need to step back, look a little into the future, and re-assess what you want in life and what is important and what is not. Auntie Zish also said that we need to take risks and see what happens so we never look back and wonder what could have happened with regret. I fucked that up too.
So i am going to give it a rest. I feel stupid for being so dramatic.
I feel like chonies would never have made the plethora of mistakes that I made. She is too wise for that. And she warned me in a gentle way a couple of times to stop. But i lost control.
So now I've decided to stop making plethoras of mistakes and instead focus on my wonderful friends and my family and everything that is good about my life. I'm pledging to keep embracing the positive and stop focusing on the negative. And if Sugar Lips comes around and we can talk it out, all the better. If not, lesson learned. Another one. And I'll be better for it either way. Oh, and Chonies, don't think that it hasn't occurred to me that this new forgiveness for Sugar Lips and this realization that I am partly to blame means that somehow I am still under control of the alien leader, and that this shit is out of control.....and if that is the case, then shuck!! It may be a bad idea, but for some reason it feels right. Maybe it is my alien heart, but I want to follow the alien leader.
Dirty-out!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
what is a blog?
I was just talking to dirty and we were admiring a blog, then I started to think about it...what is a blog anyway? So I Google'd it.... BLOG is the contraction of the term "web log" kinda like an online journal of sorts....
I like when words like BLOG get made up. Words that get made up are awesome.
Kinda like uh-maze and De-lish they are just words that are contractions of other words and they take on your personality and become a way of speaking that usually only you and your friends can quite understand. Pretty effin sweet right?
Let's see what other words have we made up that pretty much sum up the way we talk?
Vaycay is one I use all the time, I tend to just shorten words like vacation and spell them differently....for dramatic affect...
Dirty?
I like when words like BLOG get made up. Words that get made up are awesome.
Kinda like uh-maze and De-lish they are just words that are contractions of other words and they take on your personality and become a way of speaking that usually only you and your friends can quite understand. Pretty effin sweet right?
Let's see what other words have we made up that pretty much sum up the way we talk?
Vaycay is one I use all the time, I tend to just shorten words like vacation and spell them differently....for dramatic affect...
Dirty?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
MANATEE.... Really??? and other advice...
Ok first of all do you really feel like that picture above? I mean Really just over eating a damn burrito?
I'll tell you what dirty... I can tell you right now you are no where near that big...what happens when hops, wheat, mandarine vodka, soda and don julio mix.... you become somewhat of an alien...and when you are an alien...things are so far out of whack...you cant really make sense of it...and Aliens are also depressed by nature, I think this is what we have on our hands here.... a depressed alien who thinks it looks like a manatee... shit they are ugly.
How do we change that???
Let's see, since we know you will probably do this again, we have to put things into perspective.
Drinking beer and eating pizza while watching the "LYMPICS"...that's how Carlos says it..is totally normal. What happens with us both is that we start to feel really great and we want to constantly be at that STELLAR level where we are invincible right... I mean I know S and L are pretty freakin awesome, but we have to let them know they are only allowed out at certain times... I think you catch my drift (did I just write that on my blog...totally reminds me of my dad RAUL) ANYWAYS
for now just detox with some comfort food, like burritos and just don't think about it.
As far as sugarlips is concerned...well I think L may have hurt his feelings because L "is tired of it" and frankly she doesn't give a F about anything or anyone sometimes...I know I know S is like that too...that's the only reason I know
SL is gonna get over it. He absolutely adores you already and it hasn't been that long, and you know why? You and not any other girl he could have?
Because you are someone totally special and amazing... that's right believe it!
You are a one (out of two) in a million!! Guess who the other is?
I love you Dirty!
Now perk up and get your life together... TRL's are a must in this life time, it's how we cope, how we get it out of our system, it's US and how we live and we should NEVER, EVER regret our fun times in life, because....we never know when our homeboy Jesus is gonna bring us home to be with him!
-peace out
CHON's
I'm tired of it
Dirty here. I just ate a burrito and I feel like a manatee. Not that that is the biggest problem I have. I have lot's of other problems too. Most of them revolve around a deep seeded tendency towards self destructive behavior. Let's take last night for example. I went to the local pizza spot to watch the USA vs. Canada game - seems harmless enough. But instead of having a couple of beers and calling it a night considering it is Sunday and I have to work on Monday I decided to pound back about six beers and half a freaking pizza. Healthy. Then I decided shit, why stop at six beers? Why not go down to the local dive bar and knock back about five mandarin vodka and sodas and a couple shots of don julio? It's not even midnight after all, and who doesn't like a little case of the spins?! So thats what I did. I went to the bar.
The bartender certainly appreciated it - I have vague memories of him singing kareoke and changing all of the names in the song to mine. And some lonely bar patron named Silver that I recruited as my bff for the night appreciated it too. Pretty sure I made his night. You know who didn't like it though? Sugar lips. I called sugar lips just after midnight after I dismissed MYSELF from the bar for being too drunk. I don't remember the entire conversation, I just remember saying "i'm tired of it" and "I want to quit this" and i remember that sugar lips said that he "doesn't like my attitude tonight" and that I made him sad. And that pretty much sucks because he is in another country right now doing some pretty extraordinary things while I am drinking my face off at the dive bar and for absolutely no good reason, bumming him out. After that phone call i smoked a cigarette in my room and stuffed it out in my candle. The clothes i was wearing are still in a pile on the floor, so I'm guessing I did that naked, and then I "worked from home" because I couldn't pull my life together and make it in to the office. What a train wreck. The problem is that as much as I hate that I TRL'ed, I had fun. Lots of fun. So I'll probably do it again. And again. And again....
Is it possible that i really like sugar lips? but feel like he could have just about any girl he wants, so why me? And so I make it so? Like a self fulfilling prophecy type deal? I think I must hate myself.
Regardless of all that, the real question now is how do I get sugar lips back on my team? If he were here I could just put on something sexy and blow him. But since he is hundreds of miles away, what do i do? Please help...
The bartender certainly appreciated it - I have vague memories of him singing kareoke and changing all of the names in the song to mine. And some lonely bar patron named Silver that I recruited as my bff for the night appreciated it too. Pretty sure I made his night. You know who didn't like it though? Sugar lips. I called sugar lips just after midnight after I dismissed MYSELF from the bar for being too drunk. I don't remember the entire conversation, I just remember saying "i'm tired of it" and "I want to quit this" and i remember that sugar lips said that he "doesn't like my attitude tonight" and that I made him sad. And that pretty much sucks because he is in another country right now doing some pretty extraordinary things while I am drinking my face off at the dive bar and for absolutely no good reason, bumming him out. After that phone call i smoked a cigarette in my room and stuffed it out in my candle. The clothes i was wearing are still in a pile on the floor, so I'm guessing I did that naked, and then I "worked from home" because I couldn't pull my life together and make it in to the office. What a train wreck. The problem is that as much as I hate that I TRL'ed, I had fun. Lots of fun. So I'll probably do it again. And again. And again....
Is it possible that i really like sugar lips? but feel like he could have just about any girl he wants, so why me? And so I make it so? Like a self fulfilling prophecy type deal? I think I must hate myself.
Regardless of all that, the real question now is how do I get sugar lips back on my team? If he were here I could just put on something sexy and blow him. But since he is hundreds of miles away, what do i do? Please help...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hello Jesus, are you there? it's me Chonies...
Hey blog world.... I have been talking to Jesus a lot lately these days. I keep telling Dirty that Jesus has got our back... I need to remember that myself.
Why is it that we can give advice and encouraging words, yet not remember them ourselves and take our own advice? What is that?
I am on the verge of actually trying to follow my own advice, but that is freaking hard.
I mean really how often does our own advice apply to ourselves?
Today Carlos told me he was nervous about going on the next trip with me, because when we drink together he feels things don't end up OK, like there is drama between us...where am I going with this you ask? Stay with me, it falls in the taking my own advice sucks category....
So I immediately think about my alter ego, I know he's referring to her, and is in a passive aggressive way saying, keep her ass at home or this wont turn out so great... and the ONLY reason this even came up was because he was acting all aggressive this morning and angry, the things he was saying were negative and angry about everything, so I asked him...."whats wrong?" do you see a pattern here? and this is when he finally spilled it and said. "I HATE YOUR (ALTER EGO NAME insert here)!" NOOOT haha I was kidding, he didn't say that but he may as well have.
I don't know I could totally be being sensitive to it. What he really said was that he want's to quit drinking, he doesn't feel healthy and he was angry at him self for drinking mid week...remember the hurricanes on Wed?
SOOOOOOOOO I know I should be saying "baby-it's cool I will keep it under control and we will have fun" RIGHT???...but if I say that I am going to blow it for sure... So in this case I AM NOT TAKING MY OWN ADVICE, that is the advice I would give to others in this situation. "Make him feel at ease, assure him things will remain in control...."
PSSSSSFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Jesus, are you there? It's me Chonies... what would Jesus do?
Peace-Chonies
Why is it that we can give advice and encouraging words, yet not remember them ourselves and take our own advice? What is that?
I am on the verge of actually trying to follow my own advice, but that is freaking hard.
I mean really how often does our own advice apply to ourselves?
Today Carlos told me he was nervous about going on the next trip with me, because when we drink together he feels things don't end up OK, like there is drama between us...where am I going with this you ask? Stay with me, it falls in the taking my own advice sucks category....
So I immediately think about my alter ego, I know he's referring to her, and is in a passive aggressive way saying, keep her ass at home or this wont turn out so great... and the ONLY reason this even came up was because he was acting all aggressive this morning and angry, the things he was saying were negative and angry about everything, so I asked him...."whats wrong?" do you see a pattern here? and this is when he finally spilled it and said. "I HATE YOUR (ALTER EGO NAME insert here)!" NOOOT haha I was kidding, he didn't say that but he may as well have.
I don't know I could totally be being sensitive to it. What he really said was that he want's to quit drinking, he doesn't feel healthy and he was angry at him self for drinking mid week...remember the hurricanes on Wed?
SOOOOOOOOO I know I should be saying "baby-it's cool I will keep it under control and we will have fun" RIGHT???...but if I say that I am going to blow it for sure... So in this case I AM NOT TAKING MY OWN ADVICE, that is the advice I would give to others in this situation. "Make him feel at ease, assure him things will remain in control...."
PSSSSSFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Jesus, are you there? It's me Chonies... what would Jesus do?
Peace-Chonies
Thursday, February 4, 2010
slamming around things at beakfast time really hurts my head...
oh wow...it's pretty damn early and my head is pounding, I am successfully on my way to the mother-ship in a couple of days, I am patiently waiting for my advil to kick in.......waiting.... the hurricanes that we drank last night are really kicking my ass right now.... so back to the slamming around things at breakfast.... Carlos(that is what we will call him for lack of a more creative name) must be pissed at me.
Let me back track, there are a few key things that lead me to believe my alter ego, (insert name here.. I am not gonna name her it would give away my identity and I dont want to do that just yet), showed her ugly little self last night.... When Carlos wakes up and is NOT happy, I wake up with just my silky pj shirt on and no underwear, I still have makeup on, my hair is still the way I wore it the previous day and my mouth tastes like the gutter...... AND lastly, hence the title of my rant today, i hear him slamming shit around downstairs... It hurts my head today.
Carlos is my man friend. He lives here with me, we have been dating for a little over 3 years and living together for 2 and 1/2 yrs... WOW, I will talk more on that later. Why am I so easily distracted right now, I am going off on tangents... back to the story!
So what to do? I asked Carlos if he was OK and he said "YES...we shouldn't have gone out last night" mmmm ok why? But I didnt ask. We went out last night to meet an old friend that we hadn't seen in a while, and we HAD to go since we flaked out on him last time. Soooo I think he might be upset that he is hung over and he has to go to work today, and I am staying home this morning, because i have some appts to attend to... but not sure.
Do I ask him again? Probably not, he doesn't like confrontation too much.
So my guess is slamming things around at breakfast time is his way of telling me he is pissed at me... why cant we just talk about it... I know he hates my alter ego, but I thought I had her in check last night..but I can't really remember... I must ask him this slamming shit around is driving me nuts... be right back.
Ok I asked him again if he was ok, he said he didn't feel great. I need to go brush my yuck mouth.
peace.... Chonies
Let me back track, there are a few key things that lead me to believe my alter ego, (insert name here.. I am not gonna name her it would give away my identity and I dont want to do that just yet), showed her ugly little self last night.... When Carlos wakes up and is NOT happy, I wake up with just my silky pj shirt on and no underwear, I still have makeup on, my hair is still the way I wore it the previous day and my mouth tastes like the gutter...... AND lastly, hence the title of my rant today, i hear him slamming shit around downstairs... It hurts my head today.
Carlos is my man friend. He lives here with me, we have been dating for a little over 3 years and living together for 2 and 1/2 yrs... WOW, I will talk more on that later. Why am I so easily distracted right now, I am going off on tangents... back to the story!
So what to do? I asked Carlos if he was OK and he said "YES...we shouldn't have gone out last night" mmmm ok why? But I didnt ask. We went out last night to meet an old friend that we hadn't seen in a while, and we HAD to go since we flaked out on him last time. Soooo I think he might be upset that he is hung over and he has to go to work today, and I am staying home this morning, because i have some appts to attend to... but not sure.
Do I ask him again? Probably not, he doesn't like confrontation too much.
So my guess is slamming things around at breakfast time is his way of telling me he is pissed at me... why cant we just talk about it... I know he hates my alter ego, but I thought I had her in check last night..but I can't really remember... I must ask him this slamming shit around is driving me nuts... be right back.
Ok I asked him again if he was ok, he said he didn't feel great. I need to go brush my yuck mouth.
peace.... Chonies
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
the mothership came early
dirty here. the mothership came early this week. i've been hungover since friday. its wednesday today. so thats a long hangover. i climbed into bed at 8 to try to get some sleep, but its 11 now and i'm restless and wishing i had a genie to help me pull my life together.
i just spent the last hour trying to log on to my yahoo mail through my piece of shit verizon phone so that i can download a racy picture of myself to send to this guy i've spent the last couple of nights with. im so frustrated i could kill something. im about to give up. i would have given up a long time ago but the picture is pretty hot and i want him to have it. this frustration could be what is causing my insomnia. so i thought maybe i should blog.
i called chonies twice tonight and she didnt answer. judging by her last post she was looking for me. unfortunately i was highjacked by aliens most of the day. it started when i woke up late for work this morning in bed with said guy (mentioned above) - lets call him sugar lips. i could tell by the way i wanted to jump sugar lips' bones that i was half hung over and half drunk from the night before. i started to recollect the late night bottle of crown we discovered in sugar lips' cabinet. total score. then i wondered if two of my girlfriends that were there the night before were sleeping downstairs. i also wondered if one of them was still passed out in the bathroom or if she had made it to the couch at some point. i had tried to get her tucked in after she vomited her last vodka shot but she didn't want my help. i brought her some tap water and left her alone. hell of a tuesday night.
once i made it home from sugar lips' house, i got a surprise visit from a friend that wants to be more than a friend, and that bummed me out. im wondering if it is the same friend that chonies had lunch with today because it was a sad situation. i hope our friend feels better soon, there wasn't very much i could do to help. i hate seeing people hurting and i feel terrible. it's never my intention to cause people pain. i dont know how im supposed to help it if my existence on this planet does that - causes some people pain that is. i guess i could be more reserved and cautious and closed off. keep people at bay. but at the same time i feel like...f* that. i am damned if i do and they are damned if i dont and if there is one thing i've learned in this life its that you have to do what feels right to you. you have to learn your own boundaries and then respect them. and you have to trust and hope that others do the same. and that is one of the key elements of maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself and growing the f* up. and maybe sometimes getting hurt is part of learning that lesson. and maybe it will all be okay and maybe even for the better in the long run.
im anxious and frustrated.
ugh
i could really go for some detox tea....
dirty - out.
where is dirty?
So Dirty is missing in action today, I wonder where the heck she is?
I usually bounce my thoughts and feelings off of her throughout the day, but I cannot find her so dirtychonies,com will have to take the heat today.
It's amazing how much I have pent up, just from not talking to her today- I must vent...
I met a friend for lunch, why do all friends have to vent? I know I shouldn't be so selfish, Lord only knows I talk about myself A LOT, probably more than anyone cares to admit. Any way my friend was really hurting today, I felt so bad, I actually listened more than I talked today....what a concept.
I'm starting to realize I should probably listen more, in general. I guess listening opens up a whole new set of challenges, 1- you need to be fully engaged...sometimes I find myself drifting off and thinking of other things or thinking about what I am going to say next (most non listeners do this) 2- you need to be sympathetic and 3- you need to be honest... I find that I chime in when I have to point something that is so obvious to me but maybe not them, that is probably annoying right?
I know that because when I am venting, I hate when the person SUPPOSED to be listening tries to chime in or start their own story! Even though I am guilty of it too!!
I guess the point of this whole freaking rant today, is that I learned what it feels like to actually shut up and listen... I am not sure how I feel about the whole thing...
Where the hell are you dirty?
signed-
Chonies
I usually bounce my thoughts and feelings off of her throughout the day, but I cannot find her so dirtychonies,com will have to take the heat today.
It's amazing how much I have pent up, just from not talking to her today- I must vent...
I met a friend for lunch, why do all friends have to vent? I know I shouldn't be so selfish, Lord only knows I talk about myself A LOT, probably more than anyone cares to admit. Any way my friend was really hurting today, I felt so bad, I actually listened more than I talked today....what a concept.
I'm starting to realize I should probably listen more, in general. I guess listening opens up a whole new set of challenges, 1- you need to be fully engaged...sometimes I find myself drifting off and thinking of other things or thinking about what I am going to say next (most non listeners do this) 2- you need to be sympathetic and 3- you need to be honest... I find that I chime in when I have to point something that is so obvious to me but maybe not them, that is probably annoying right?
I know that because when I am venting, I hate when the person SUPPOSED to be listening tries to chime in or start their own story! Even though I am guilty of it too!!
I guess the point of this whole freaking rant today, is that I learned what it feels like to actually shut up and listen... I am not sure how I feel about the whole thing...
Where the hell are you dirty?
signed-
Chonies
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