i just spent the last hour trying to log on to my yahoo mail through my piece of shit verizon phone so that i can download a racy picture of myself to send to this guy i've spent the last couple of nights with. im so frustrated i could kill something. im about to give up. i would have given up a long time ago but the picture is pretty hot and i want him to have it. this frustration could be what is causing my insomnia. so i thought maybe i should blog.
i called chonies twice tonight and she didnt answer. judging by her last post she was looking for me. unfortunately i was highjacked by aliens most of the day. it started when i woke up late for work this morning in bed with said guy (mentioned above) - lets call him sugar lips. i could tell by the way i wanted to jump sugar lips' bones that i was half hung over and half drunk from the night before. i started to recollect the late night bottle of crown we discovered in sugar lips' cabinet. total score. then i wondered if two of my girlfriends that were there the night before were sleeping downstairs. i also wondered if one of them was still passed out in the bathroom or if she had made it to the couch at some point. i had tried to get her tucked in after she vomited her last vodka shot but she didn't want my help. i brought her some tap water and left her alone. hell of a tuesday night.
once i made it home from sugar lips' house, i got a surprise visit from a friend that wants to be more than a friend, and that bummed me out. im wondering if it is the same friend that chonies had lunch with today because it was a sad situation. i hope our friend feels better soon, there wasn't very much i could do to help. i hate seeing people hurting and i feel terrible. it's never my intention to cause people pain. i dont know how im supposed to help it if my existence on this planet does that - causes some people pain that is. i guess i could be more reserved and cautious and closed off. keep people at bay. but at the same time i feel like...f* that. i am damned if i do and they are damned if i dont and if there is one thing i've learned in this life its that you have to do what feels right to you. you have to learn your own boundaries and then respect them. and you have to trust and hope that others do the same. and that is one of the key elements of maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself and growing the f* up. and maybe sometimes getting hurt is part of learning that lesson. and maybe it will all be okay and maybe even for the better in the long run.
im anxious and frustrated.
ugh
i could really go for some detox tea....
dirty - out.
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