I'm tired of it

Dirty here. I just ate a burrito and I feel like a manatee. Not that that is the biggest problem I have. I have lot's of other problems too. Most of them revolve around a deep seeded tendency towards self destructive behavior. Let's take last night for example. I went to the local pizza spot to watch the USA vs. Canada game - seems harmless enough. But instead of having a couple of beers and calling it a night considering it is Sunday and I have to work on Monday I decided to pound back about six beers and half a freaking pizza. Healthy. Then I decided shit, why stop at six beers? Why not go down to the local dive bar and knock back about five mandarin vodka and sodas and a couple shots of don julio? It's not even midnight after all, and who doesn't like a little case of the spins?! So thats what I did. I went to the bar.

The bartender certainly appreciated it - I have vague memories of him singing kareoke and changing all of the names in the song to mine. And some lonely bar patron named Silver that I recruited as my bff for the night appreciated it too. Pretty sure I made his night. You know who didn't like it though? Sugar lips. I called sugar lips just after midnight after I dismissed MYSELF from the bar for being too drunk. I don't remember the entire conversation, I just remember saying "i'm tired of it" and "I want to quit this" and i remember that sugar lips said that he "doesn't like my attitude tonight" and that I made him sad. And that pretty much sucks because he is in another country right now doing some pretty extraordinary things while I am drinking my face off at the dive bar and for absolutely no good reason, bumming him out. After that phone call i smoked a cigarette in my room and stuffed it out in my candle. The clothes i was wearing are still in a pile on the floor, so I'm guessing I did that naked, and then I "worked from home" because I couldn't pull my life together and make it in to the office. What a train wreck. The problem is that as much as I hate that I TRL'ed, I had fun. Lots of fun. So I'll probably do it again. And again. And again....

Is it possible that i really like sugar lips? but feel like he could have just about any girl he wants, so why me? And so I make it so? Like a self fulfilling prophecy type deal? I think I must hate myself.

Regardless of all that, the real question now is how do I get sugar lips back on my team? If he were here I could just put on something sexy and blow him. But since he is hundreds of miles away, what do i do? Please help...