I was talking to my mom about my cold yesterday and I told her I was tired of it, there's all this shit that needs to clear out... We laughed so hard, because she said kinda like everything in your life right?
When I look back and think about everything that is going on in my head in the last few months, it's like a tornado over my head, everything that I tried so hard to control and not think about, or just said I would deal with later, it has all come to a huge fucking tornado over my head.
In a tornado everything gets swept up and mixed all together, there is no order, there is no peace. It's spinning and you don't know when it's going to stop. And when it finally stops, everything is destroyed, there is no resemblance of what once was, just what is broken or destroyed now needs repair or to be replaced.
How sad. I don't know when this shit will clear out of my head and when it does how long it will take to repair or replace...I don't know what condition my life will be in, once this happens, if this happens.
I'm trying to deal with one thing at a time, but that's too hard to do when this shit is all swirling around in my head. I think I need a therapist again
who knows what I need. I certainly do not.
who does?
OUT- Chones
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Hi Mom, I am in Sicily....
I talked to Trenton today, he was in Sicily, wow!
It was so good to hear his voice, he sounded happy and most of all safe!
I miss him, it has only been a week, and there are still 2 weeks until I can see him and hold him in my arms! WOW, what am I gonna do with myself.
It's bizarre that a) the kids are so far away from me, b) I haven't even been able to talk to Alyssa, not that it is so different anymore, c) that I am not with them
I guess that this is how life will be in about 10 years when they are both gone on their own. 10 yrs seems like a long time away, let's hope it doesn't fly by like the last 10 have.
I am looking forward to seeing them both grow and achieve and travel to places that even I haven't been, I guess that is part of being a mother. When the kids are young you are so stuck in what seems to be, "life" as you know it....but life doesn't really start until the kids go out on their own and show you that what you have sacrificed and taught them, is all for some greater purpose...that is what being a mom or a parent is really about.
I find it hard to believe I am missing out on the current life of one of my kids, but I also, for some reason, know, that I will be there for her when it's most important to her. I just don't know when that will be. For now I have to trust that the relationship that was built over 12 yrs still has some sort of strength to break through and bring her back to me.
I miss the kids, but I know that they are safe and happy and that is all that really matters.
Chones-out.
It was so good to hear his voice, he sounded happy and most of all safe!
I miss him, it has only been a week, and there are still 2 weeks until I can see him and hold him in my arms! WOW, what am I gonna do with myself.
It's bizarre that a) the kids are so far away from me, b) I haven't even been able to talk to Alyssa, not that it is so different anymore, c) that I am not with them
I guess that this is how life will be in about 10 years when they are both gone on their own. 10 yrs seems like a long time away, let's hope it doesn't fly by like the last 10 have.
I am looking forward to seeing them both grow and achieve and travel to places that even I haven't been, I guess that is part of being a mother. When the kids are young you are so stuck in what seems to be, "life" as you know it....but life doesn't really start until the kids go out on their own and show you that what you have sacrificed and taught them, is all for some greater purpose...that is what being a mom or a parent is really about.
I find it hard to believe I am missing out on the current life of one of my kids, but I also, for some reason, know, that I will be there for her when it's most important to her. I just don't know when that will be. For now I have to trust that the relationship that was built over 12 yrs still has some sort of strength to break through and bring her back to me.
I miss the kids, but I know that they are safe and happy and that is all that really matters.
Chones-out.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Graduation Day...
You told me to be there at 5, I was there (you were not)
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special.
I love you
I waited for you to arrive, you gave me 3 minutes
You told me no flowers/cards/gifts, I brought nothing-
I see you after graduation with a bouquet of flowers in your arms. I died.
You said no crying, I showed a brave face- but cried alone when you could not see me.
You asked me not to hold you up- I didn't
Heartbroken I sat and watched you, my girl, graduate 8th grade, Nana and Papa were missing and hurting. I died some more
When we said goodbye,I did not know when I would see or talk to you again. I walked away with a few pictures of your special day and a few moments to remember this special.
I love you
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Visualization....
I learned this new technique (new to me at least)last night..I went to an IAAP meeting (international association of something) cant remember right now, any who, it was a meeting for Executive administrators, so basically a room of middle aged women and 1 man, there for the San Jose Chapter meeting....
I was invited to join the meeting, because I was thinking about joining this group. Work will pay for it and it seems to be a great way to network. It might be.
I still need to figure out how this can help me...I will get back to you on that.
SO... Visualization, there was this guest speaker and she was talking about journaling and goals and all that, which was great, I often journal or blog, but I had never experienced this visualization technique. She asked the room to A) write down a goal that we had just met, sometime in the future, and write as if we were in that moment now, how we felt, what we were doing in that moment. Once we did that she B) had us close our eyes and imagine us in that moment, what did we look like? how did we feel? where were we? C) we then had to imagine ourselves on the outside looking in at ourselves, and take a picture D) this gets good, we had to imagine floating above us in that moment and seeing the path ahead and our future ahead of that.....after about a few minutes she brought us back "into the room" as she put it. Now I have a great imagination, but this was something I just never experienced, I think I was focused enough to actually do this exercise and get something out of it, but I am not sure. I always freakin' doubt myself.
When I got home I thought about the goal I had written down, I think it was Jan 2 2013 in my goal...and I wondered to myself, is that really what I want to be doing (hint: my goal was about a career path) or is it what I think others think I should be doing.
I have come to the conclusion: I don't really know exactly what I want to do.... I don't have a fucking plan.......and when someone asks me what are your future plans.... I don't fucking have an answer. I have some ideas and dreams...I guess I should start there and write these things down along with some achievable short term goals or I am going no where in a hurry!
I need a drink!
Later-Chon's
I was invited to join the meeting, because I was thinking about joining this group. Work will pay for it and it seems to be a great way to network. It might be.
I still need to figure out how this can help me...I will get back to you on that.
SO... Visualization, there was this guest speaker and she was talking about journaling and goals and all that, which was great, I often journal or blog, but I had never experienced this visualization technique. She asked the room to A) write down a goal that we had just met, sometime in the future, and write as if we were in that moment now, how we felt, what we were doing in that moment. Once we did that she B) had us close our eyes and imagine us in that moment, what did we look like? how did we feel? where were we? C) we then had to imagine ourselves on the outside looking in at ourselves, and take a picture D) this gets good, we had to imagine floating above us in that moment and seeing the path ahead and our future ahead of that.....after about a few minutes she brought us back "into the room" as she put it. Now I have a great imagination, but this was something I just never experienced, I think I was focused enough to actually do this exercise and get something out of it, but I am not sure. I always freakin' doubt myself.
When I got home I thought about the goal I had written down, I think it was Jan 2 2013 in my goal...and I wondered to myself, is that really what I want to be doing (hint: my goal was about a career path) or is it what I think others think I should be doing.
I have come to the conclusion: I don't really know exactly what I want to do.... I don't have a fucking plan.......and when someone asks me what are your future plans.... I don't fucking have an answer. I have some ideas and dreams...I guess I should start there and write these things down along with some achievable short term goals or I am going no where in a hurry!
I need a drink!
Later-Chon's
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Scoundrels and Hoodlums
Hey Ya'll
Since our last blog, we found that Dirty was in fact, NOT KNOCKED UP, Thank Jesus for that one!!!! :)
It's been a while since my last entry and I have every reason to believe it's due to Scoundrels and Hoodlums (S&H's) in my life.
I've discovered that lately, like the last year or so, I have not been really "living" just kind of surviving in this cruel world. Second by second,minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... and along the way these S&H's have diverted me in so many ways. Call them what you will, whether they are distractions, evil people who want to see me unhappy, messy relationships... they have sucked the joy out of my life. In general, if you asked anyone that knew me, I am a pretty optimistic and happy person. Some would call me too nice and annoyingly happy :) Lately I find that S&H's have taken over. Even worse, I have let them.
I have done things to try and change this. For starters, I recognized it, before things went too far downhill. That's half the battle right?
Second, I have tried to take some "Me" time each morning to read and study my bible and read and write down scriptures that are positive and help me to remember to embrace the simple things and be grateful for the things I have and the people in my life. Embrace nature and the things on this earth that are otherwise taken for granted, like the birds chirping and the trees blowing in the wind. It helps to calm me. Don't get me wrong, by noon I am a raging mess of a person and all those calm feelings have passed. But remembering those times and trying to learn to constantly connect with that time really helps.
I am in my second bible study at church, I have learned I am not a perfect person, and not the best christian woman in the world...will never be, I mean I already knew that but sometimes we think our shit don't stink... Somehow the fellowship with other women, helps me to remember that we all, at one point or another feel the same way about ourselves. I am really trying and really believe, that fully devoting this time and having a relationship with God will improve my quality of life.
I have discovered that I am bored with my job, I am not really challenged. Reasons why I stay: I make money, it's a very flexible job and it's comfortable for me. If I go try to get a new job A) I will make more money, which means B) I will have to pay "Sperm Donor" MORE child support for our eldest. OH HELL NO!
C) I will have to work more and have less flexibility.
D) I will have to make all new co-workers, and I am not in the mood to be nice to new people right now....
So THAT'S not an option, unless of course they fire my butt because they too see that I am a wasteoid at work most days.... let's think positive!
I have also discovered that I want to do something more creative in life, I feel like I am meant to do something more with my life. In what capacity? I don't know yet. My creative juices need stoking!
So this leaves me with the idea that I keep my current job and suck it up, and start doing something outside of work that is creative and that could lead to another potential career, will that make me happy? I need to really think about this, I need to regroup and sit back, chill out and be open to what that calling is. Being open to things and honest with yourself about what capacity you have is a really hard thing to do... I am not sure how to even start..... any suggestions?
When I hear about my friends younger and older going through "shit" in their lives and how S&H are effing with them,just as they are me, I wonder...do things really ever change? I remember being younger and just thinking, "I will get through this" and now, years later I am still saying "I will get through this" I've come to the conclusion (I am no Einstein, I know) that's what life is all about right? Encountering things and getting through them, some great things, some not so great...but there is no one point in time that ever lasts more that that fleeting moment...time will not stand still. So I shall make the most of each day...and remember to embrace these days regardless of the S&H's that get in my way and try to bring me down. I have decided to drop kick those Scoundrels and Hoodlums straight in the throat!
For now...I think I am on the right track....but staying on the tracks without completely derailing is freakin' hard!
xoxo
Chon's
Since our last blog, we found that Dirty was in fact, NOT KNOCKED UP, Thank Jesus for that one!!!! :)
It's been a while since my last entry and I have every reason to believe it's due to Scoundrels and Hoodlums (S&H's) in my life.
I've discovered that lately, like the last year or so, I have not been really "living" just kind of surviving in this cruel world. Second by second,minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... and along the way these S&H's have diverted me in so many ways. Call them what you will, whether they are distractions, evil people who want to see me unhappy, messy relationships... they have sucked the joy out of my life. In general, if you asked anyone that knew me, I am a pretty optimistic and happy person. Some would call me too nice and annoyingly happy :) Lately I find that S&H's have taken over. Even worse, I have let them.
I have done things to try and change this. For starters, I recognized it, before things went too far downhill. That's half the battle right?
Second, I have tried to take some "Me" time each morning to read and study my bible and read and write down scriptures that are positive and help me to remember to embrace the simple things and be grateful for the things I have and the people in my life. Embrace nature and the things on this earth that are otherwise taken for granted, like the birds chirping and the trees blowing in the wind. It helps to calm me. Don't get me wrong, by noon I am a raging mess of a person and all those calm feelings have passed. But remembering those times and trying to learn to constantly connect with that time really helps.
I am in my second bible study at church, I have learned I am not a perfect person, and not the best christian woman in the world...will never be, I mean I already knew that but sometimes we think our shit don't stink... Somehow the fellowship with other women, helps me to remember that we all, at one point or another feel the same way about ourselves. I am really trying and really believe, that fully devoting this time and having a relationship with God will improve my quality of life.
I have discovered that I am bored with my job, I am not really challenged. Reasons why I stay: I make money, it's a very flexible job and it's comfortable for me. If I go try to get a new job A) I will make more money, which means B) I will have to pay "Sperm Donor" MORE child support for our eldest. OH HELL NO!
C) I will have to work more and have less flexibility.
D) I will have to make all new co-workers, and I am not in the mood to be nice to new people right now....
So THAT'S not an option, unless of course they fire my butt because they too see that I am a wasteoid at work most days.... let's think positive!
I have also discovered that I want to do something more creative in life, I feel like I am meant to do something more with my life. In what capacity? I don't know yet. My creative juices need stoking!
So this leaves me with the idea that I keep my current job and suck it up, and start doing something outside of work that is creative and that could lead to another potential career, will that make me happy? I need to really think about this, I need to regroup and sit back, chill out and be open to what that calling is. Being open to things and honest with yourself about what capacity you have is a really hard thing to do... I am not sure how to even start..... any suggestions?
When I hear about my friends younger and older going through "shit" in their lives and how S&H are effing with them,just as they are me, I wonder...do things really ever change? I remember being younger and just thinking, "I will get through this" and now, years later I am still saying "I will get through this" I've come to the conclusion (I am no Einstein, I know) that's what life is all about right? Encountering things and getting through them, some great things, some not so great...but there is no one point in time that ever lasts more that that fleeting moment...time will not stand still. So I shall make the most of each day...and remember to embrace these days regardless of the S&H's that get in my way and try to bring me down. I have decided to drop kick those Scoundrels and Hoodlums straight in the throat!
For now...I think I am on the right track....but staying on the tracks without completely derailing is freakin' hard!
xoxo
Chon's
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Blogging in the dark
Dirty here...barely.
What is it about staying in on a Friday and Saturday night that will make a single woman feel like time is standing still? I swear it's been 10:00 pm for the last four hours. I've been sitting here...waiting....not so patiently for sleep to come over me...but it is showing no signs of arrival. Unfortunately neither is my period.
Of all the things in this world that could possibly go wrong at this point in my life, that would have to be the one. Prego. Preggers. Knocked up. Call it what you want...I call it game over. Not because I dont like kids. I love kids. And I probably want some of my own one day. But definitely not right now. And definitely not with my ex. For fucks sake...
Speaking of ex's, the other night I was sleeping next to one of mine (we can call him ex) and there was this loud noise outside that woke me up. In my startled yet half asleep stooper I grabbed ex's arm and called him Sugar Lips. Totally smooth right? I quickly realized my mistake - thank god he didn't hear me.
Why did I think he was sugar lips? Why am I thinking about him, even in my sleep? I don't like it. And I think I'm okay with that. I mean...really...as much as I would like to convince myself that I'm the exception to every rule, I am not. Reminders of that are good.
On a separate yet related note, getting dissed by someone hurts a lot less if you're filling your life up with other sh*t that gets you excited - which you should be doing anyway. It's important to recognize that we make our own beds (well...unless you're 5 in which case your mom is probably still making your bed...and in which case you shouldn't be reading this) and I don't particularly like lying in the bed I've made for myself right now. I'm trying to accept that and be at peace with it, and in a way I am. After all, maybe I'm not supposed to feel great right now. Maybe this is not the year that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best. Maybe thats fine. I feel re-focused. I will have to change and process and make some sacrifices. But its all for a reason. And this particular reason is that I have a dream, and that dream involves liking my bed. Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well fucking a' Einstein, aren't you smart. Guess its time for me to flip a couple switches if you know what I mean...
I'd like to think that in one year from now I will be reaping the benefits of what we have talked about today. I need to keep this train on its tracks until then. I will need this blog more than ever. Because if I can succeed, that would be so awesome.
Thats all for now. Chonies...where are you? I miss you!
-Dirty
What is it about staying in on a Friday and Saturday night that will make a single woman feel like time is standing still? I swear it's been 10:00 pm for the last four hours. I've been sitting here...waiting....not so patiently for sleep to come over me...but it is showing no signs of arrival. Unfortunately neither is my period.
Of all the things in this world that could possibly go wrong at this point in my life, that would have to be the one. Prego. Preggers. Knocked up. Call it what you want...I call it game over. Not because I dont like kids. I love kids. And I probably want some of my own one day. But definitely not right now. And definitely not with my ex. For fucks sake...
Speaking of ex's, the other night I was sleeping next to one of mine (we can call him ex) and there was this loud noise outside that woke me up. In my startled yet half asleep stooper I grabbed ex's arm and called him Sugar Lips. Totally smooth right? I quickly realized my mistake - thank god he didn't hear me.
Why did I think he was sugar lips? Why am I thinking about him, even in my sleep? I don't like it. And I think I'm okay with that. I mean...really...as much as I would like to convince myself that I'm the exception to every rule, I am not. Reminders of that are good.
On a separate yet related note, getting dissed by someone hurts a lot less if you're filling your life up with other sh*t that gets you excited - which you should be doing anyway. It's important to recognize that we make our own beds (well...unless you're 5 in which case your mom is probably still making your bed...and in which case you shouldn't be reading this) and I don't particularly like lying in the bed I've made for myself right now. I'm trying to accept that and be at peace with it, and in a way I am. After all, maybe I'm not supposed to feel great right now. Maybe this is not the year that I will remember for the rest of my life as one of the best. Maybe thats fine. I feel re-focused. I will have to change and process and make some sacrifices. But its all for a reason. And this particular reason is that I have a dream, and that dream involves liking my bed. Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well fucking a' Einstein, aren't you smart. Guess its time for me to flip a couple switches if you know what I mean...
I'd like to think that in one year from now I will be reaping the benefits of what we have talked about today. I need to keep this train on its tracks until then. I will need this blog more than ever. Because if I can succeed, that would be so awesome.
Thats all for now. Chonies...where are you? I miss you!
-Dirty
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Alien Leaders and shit like that....
Dirty
I am so proud of your blog today, you were honest and humbled.
I am happy your sister Ang is so wise, she may be even wiser than yours truly.
so is Auntie.
As far as the Alien leader goes, I am happy if you are happy and it would be my advise to follow your heart in this case. Although, I have only hung out with you two briefly on the very first night you met...I could see something there.
In fact I told you guys you were getting married...... in the future...
Alien leaders have charm and I am not one to judge, I have no idea what it's like to be famous and have millions but we all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. His only mistake here was not putting on a shirt...although I am sure keeping his shirt off was rather HOT!
Your only mistake in this was that A) you were part alien at the time & 2)you let your emotions control your actions. EVERYONE does this, so when you are alien and do this it is quite dramatic...Aliens are never emotionally stable you know this.
I hope things work out for the best, follow the Alien you might learn how he has become the master of his alien nation.
PS
Let me know when you find out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
